written in 1996
You won’t believe me if I say . . . I remember thinking about guys when I was 10. I was in a school in Tokyo then and there was this really cute blond haired, blue-eyed boy named Brandon who I was always afraid to look at. We shared the same school bus home as we lived in the same neighborhood so it was natural for us and a few other kids to get together after school to do what all 10 year olds do.
“I dare you to take of all your clothes.” ” I dare you to lie on top of Jermyn and pretend to make love to him.”
These are not unusual games but the funny feeling it always gave me as well as the unexplainable physical reactions we both had made me wonder about myself.
Before I really understood what it all meant I returned to Singapore and was I in for a rude shock.
I thought being Asian in a majority white school was bad. Try being an Asian who speaks ‘American’ and nothing of his own native tongue in Singapore.
Desperately trying to fit in and struggling to come to terms with my homosexuality, I managed to grappled my way through adolescence relatively unscathed. ~ but with lots of physical exploration!
My first sexual encounter was when I was 11 and I became very sociable from then on. Things were confusing because I thought sex with another guy gave me my identity. I was wrong. But one should indulge in it at some point nonetheless!!
I came out to my parents at about … 16? Anyway Mom cried and cried and Dad refused to talk to me for months. I seriously wonder what possessed me to tell them and where I got the courage.
Thankfully, we worked things out and we’re still pretty close as a family. The both of us go back every other weekend to have lunch with them and walk the dogs.
My first real relationship was when I was 19. My earlier misconceptions about love still remained. It would certainly explain my cheating on him a couple of times and us going through a major break up once every year.
I also think maybe we were too young to know about real love but I guessed we did love each other in our own way. I would have given my life for him if needed. We stayed together three years and shared quite a few special moments.
It was only after losing him that I found out what being gay is about.
Here’s my short of it:
Being gay is knowing your strengths AND your shortcomings.
Its about open-mindedness and not being intolerant of things different or unusual.
Good fashion sense, a huge wardrobe, impeccable taste, being articulate
and a gym membership are part of it too.
But Most of all,
Being gay is being yourself . . . and having Fun!
So I’ve figured that out for myself. All I’m missing in my life is a job that allows me to upkeep my wardrobe, own nice cars and go on long vacations. I can’t complain. As Harvey Fierstein once said, “With a voice like mine . . . I can always drive a cab.”
Oh yeah. . . don’t take my explanation of being gay as THE one and only. Go find out for yourself. Being gay is different for everyone.