I can’t believe you’re still single!?

If I had a dollar for every time I’ve had that said to me …. I could get a pair of bvlgari cuff-links.

To me, the statement“I can’t believe you’re still single!?” reflects a certain level of naivety and a lack of a grasp with the realities of being attached.

The exclamation should be “I can’t believe you’re attached!?” and here’s why.

There are so many odds stacked against one being attached:
1. are you both attracted to each other at the same time
2. is there sexual chemistry (this figures so highly for most gay men)
3. do you speak the same language
4. do you live in the same country
5. do you connect intellectually
6. are you able to communicate honestly and openly with each other
7. do you share similar value systems and approaches to life
8. are you both at similar points in your maturity and at similar crossroads in life
9. are you at similar or compatible levels of “outness” as gay men
10. do you both get along with each other’s friends
11. are you both able to deal with & resolve differences and tempers
12. are you both able to deal with and support each other when things aren’t a bed-of-roses
13. do you share a similar or compatible stance when it comes to casual sex and variety being the spice of life
14. can you grow and mature together through the years

I think childhood fairytales like Snow White and Cinderella coupled with movies like Pretty Woman have really warped our expectations of being with someone, of being in a long-term relationship and seriously affected the way we deal with the reality and challenges of being attached.

How many fairytale or movie like stories have you heard of someone meeting the love of their life and after a dramatic plunging and soaring of emotions over a relatively short period of time, live happily ever after with never a squeak of frustration?

Don’t we spend more time counseling each other on the bad choices we are making, have made or might be making than celebrating 5, 10 or 15 year anniversaries?

That knight in shining armour, that dashing prince on white stallion often doesn’t turn out to be so dashing, doesn’t turn out to be so hot without his armour after the passing of a couple months. More so after a year or two.

Staying together for 3 or 6 months is easy. That’s the giddy, soul-soaring honeymoon period.

After that, when the “flaws” start appearing and the rose-tinted glasses come off, we are often unhappy with who we decided to have. After several attempts at making it work, greener pastures start to tempt us and we’re compelled to repeat the cycle of “falling” out of love and back into “love” again with the next guy who seems to fit our, perhaps, more sensible expectations.

My opinion is that person didn’t “fall” out of love but decided the reality of what needs to be done in being in a relationship isn’t something he is ready to deal with.

After several long-term relationships that total 12 years, after getting to know some gay friends who’ve reached their 10th and 15th anniversary, my two-cents are that you gotta hang in there with all your strength and will after the initial giddy passion subsides and work at being together.

You learn how to be together as each day, each month, each year passes. You grow together and build a past together which you both can look upon fondly, which will help keep you together.

That giddy passion which subsides with the onset of reality then slowly grows to a deep love which time, shared moments, friends and challenges reinforce.

Its bloody hard at first. Its alway seems easier to throw in the towel and think the next guy that comes along will be easier.

It only gets easier as the years pass with the same guy.

Given all this … and given the fact that I don’t make it past point 4. on my list above, I’m still single.

Couplehood is an amazing feat to attempt and make last so I salute those who have made it work.

So please don’t bound up to me and exclaim “I can’t believe you’re still single!?” thinking that’s something remarkably unusual.

Knowing my point of view with regards to this state called love, you should be taken aback and ready to yell “I can’t believe you’re attached” if and when I decide I’ve met someone who’s worth taking the plunge and making the effort with.

So I end this post with the lyrics from Bette Midler’s The Glory of Love
… I wanna point out the line and when the world is through with us, we’ve got each others arms as food for thought

You’ve got to give a little, take a little,
And let your poor heart break a little.
That’s the story of, that’s the glory of love.

You’ve got to win a little, lose a little,
Yes, and always have the blues a little.
That’s the story of, that’s the glory of love.
That’s the story of, that’s the glory of love.

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Tagged as: gay love, love